In August of next year, I would've been professionally involved in the "Internet" industry for a decade. Sometimes, I don't feel like I've learned anything. Don't get me wrong. I've learned a lot—in the skill and talent section. I've reveled in the challenges that have come forward when it came to testing or growing those skills.
However, when it comes to the mystery of the social, I feel like my confidence hasn't graduated kindergarden. I haven't been able to accept the challenges of my, at times, borderline awkward personality. If anything, the farther I progress, the harder it is to handle the regressions.
It scares me.
I'm possibly in one of the best job situations of my life. Never before have I been approached by peers telling me how "natural" or even "perfect" this fit is. I believe it. The culmination of a decade of work combined with my life's hobby. My excitement has been palpable. But that immenseness has been accompanied by insurmountable expectations for myself.
"I cannot screw this up." "I've learned so much." "I know how to deal with this."
This is the first time in my career that I've joined a company with an employee number above 27. I've been accustomed to seeing culture grow from the ground up (whether or not I eventually fit there is another story entirely). But never have I had to fit myself into an established existing culture.
I'm adaptable, but am I socially adaptable? Or rather, can I adapt or evolve myself out of this? Will I fit in? Or will history repeat itself?
"Unreasonable" being used to describe this situation is probably the correct term. But I'd be lying to myself if I ignored my id as I have many times in the past. I want this to be the perfect job. I want to work with the perfect team. I want to fit into this company perfectly. The final boss in this game is myself and I'm going to need to change to beat him. This place is worth fighting that fight for.